Retro Yakking

Today’s guest post is brought to you by the weird Dutch blokes in short sleeved shirts who patrol the streets with backpacks of an afternoon. We salute you, good sirs!

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Hello, fellow person! Are you unhappy with your current prophet? Then join the Happy Frolicking Friends! There are no rules or obligations except for a mandatory supplement of just £30 a week. But that’s a small price to pay for eternal happiness, we’re sure you will agree.

At the Happy Frolicking Friends, which is certainly not a cult, we prance all day long in meadows and dales to the music of Spiritualised and Pink Floyd.

Oh what a gay time we have, dancing without a care in the world, our hay fever and minor ailments forgotten in the cocktail of mind altering substances we consume on an hourly basis. How else would we rope sane people into the group? Oh, did I say that bit out loud?

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You may think Retro Yakking has addressed some rather wacky issues in the past couple of months, but the people finding this site via the search engines have come up with some even crazier stuff that you wouldn’t believe.

Mentally unstable as they may be, each of the search terms emboldened below have brought web surfers to this very site. As an added bonus, I’ve attempted to answer some of the queries with my knowledge of, er, stuff.

Q. My fish’s face exploded.

A. Well, unfortunately there’s nothing I can do to help your fish, but I advise saving yourself as it is most likely a grotesque mutant that crawled from the sewers.

If you want to survive, I suggest flushing it back down the toilet before it transforms into some sort of comic book-esque lifeform.

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A sunny weekend saw the return of the infamous World Frog Throwing Championships, held in Ilfracombe, Devon yesterday afternoon.

Competitors from all four corners of the globe descended upon the village of Combe Martin for the traditional beach tournament, which was this year blessed with unusually clement spring weather as over sixty seasoned pros battled it out for the world’s most prestigious frog throwing trophy.

Martin van der Groot of West Suriname came out on top, finishing just centimetres ahead of rivals Alfonso Alvarez (Mexico) and Fred Babbington (Great Britain) at the end of a fun-filled afternoon of frog-flinging.

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It’s amazing that, for a man with such a busy schedule, The Caped Crusader kindly found time to make an appearance at our house this week.

Even better, he allowed us to take some photographs of him - you can imagine how honoured we were.

And this wasn’t just a tin pot cameo by some guy in a suit pretending to be Batman, oh nooo.

This was the real deal.

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An ant has today been crushed to death after being stood on by a man tending to his garden, completely oblivious to the brutal act of murder he had just committed.

The event has had dramatic implications in the ant’s nest, where fellow workers are coming to terms with a three thousandth death in the last week.

Though the nest will continue to thrive — that is, until the gardener decides to spray ant killer — the ant’s friends will mourn the loss of a valued worker and young family ant with his whole life (six more days) ahead of him.

The man that killed the ant, a gardener from Wessex, said nothing to deny the fact he is a cold-blooded killer.

The ant is dead. I killed him. And I will do it again tomorrow, and again the day after. — Bloke that killed the ant.

The gardener is due in court on the 31st of April, though it is expected that by this time the ant’s family will be long dead and unable to attend. Plus, I don’t think anybody cares, which, experts say, is most likely the reason why the Daily Mail or any other such mainstream newspaper completely failed to report it.

Naff off. — Daily Mail spokesman, doing his best Ronnie Barker impression just for us.

Editor’s note: Retro Yakking likes to cover stories from all walks of life. Any news, no matter how small, is important to us. So, whilst you might have thought this story insignificant, think of the poor family of the dead ant, and families of dead ants the world over.