“Power.“

Those of you that are familiar with my work will know that I’m not one to waste my time with unnecessary lengthy introductions, so I’ll get straight to the point: something the regular author of this ‘website’ will do well to note for future reference.

When I, Jeremy Clarkson, was asked to do a special column for a ’small time Internet weblog’, I was initially reluctant. After all, what does this Hairy Yack person know about cars, or even anything? I bet he’s one of those poncy hybrid drivers with bits of glitter and vegetable skin in his hair, or some chavvy Honda Civic owner from Cheetham Hill. I have my reputation to uphold, and should I be spotted writing for the gutter ‘press’ they’ll never let me back into Yorkshire ever again.

However, I’ve already offended precisely 234,092 people — I know it’s that many because I keep a personal record on my advanced calculator thingy — so I figured it would not hurt to increase that figure, even if only by a little bit. Any publicity is good publicity, as they say.

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One part down and nine to go in Retro Yakking’s new(ish) series that’ll be a godsend to spongers, cheapskates and homeless people everywhere: useful stuff you can do with newspaper.

Today’s list has a distinctly delicious air about it, with ten tippety top food-related tips for reusing your morning paper once you’ve done completing the wordsearch and attempting to laugh at the cartoon strips.

We shall steer clear of the overused ‘newspaper cuisine’ idea of cooking and eating The Times with your Sunday lunch, mostly because everyone already knows about that. Indeed, our paper recycling bag is pretty much empty in these times of economic hardship since King Henry VIII raised taxes and introduced a ban on five pound notes.

Nope, we’re going to try and be a bit more original to actually provide some useful information for those of us living on the breadline. After all, that’s the idea of a ‘tips’ post, isn’t it?

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In my opinion, QI’s been off the general public radar for an unfashionably long time now. Well, that’s technically incorrect, as there’ve been endless repeats of all six series up until this point on Dave, which is quite surprising considering that 98.4% of the channel’s programming consists of Top Gear ‘mashups’. For the uninitiated, they’re mutilated versions of the BBC broadcasts cut down to fit into 47 minutes of programming per hour, a bit like the syndicated versions in Oz and North America.

There are, however, no such cost-cutting measures in place on BBC1, Quite Interesting’s established home on the Beeb since, well, last series, actually. For the secret QI maniac such as I,  it’s refreshing to finally see some new programming and obtain fresh fodder for idle chats down the pub, train station or wherever one feels the need to spout pointless yet irritatingly intriguing facts. You just hope your mates didn’t see the same episode, else you might have to resort to the ‘no cheese in cheese slices’ backup plan once again (stupid ‘Britain’s Most Disgusting Foods‘).

We’re now up to the seventh series, which can only mean one thing: a whole season of letter G-themed fact-based nuggets to tickle our geeky fancy. In the coming weeks we shall be treated to a veritable Pandora’s Box of interesting stuff to do with geometry, gadgets, gravity and the colour green amongst others. Last night, though, was the turn of both gardeners and grocers to take their place on the alphabetical merry go round that is QI.

Warning: Spoilers from this point onwards.

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International footballers Thierry Henry and Paul Scharner have joined forces to create the country’s first FA Premier League handball team.

Former Arsenal striker Henry has been in exile in London ever since being rejected by the nation of France for the ‘Hand of Frog‘ incident, and has had literally nothing to do for the past week but eat jellied eels and have good old Cockney knees-ups “dahn at the Ol’ Dog’n’ Duck”.

During one of Thierry’s long afternoon stints propping up the bar, Wigan midfielder Paul Scharner just so happened to be in the area on a ‘club scouting excursion’ and popped in for a quick Ribena and chocolate Battenberg. The two got to talking about how much better football would be if the handball rule was outlawed, and hit upon the idea of creating a team that would compete in a sport where such ‘offences’ are actually encouraged.

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It’s thought players of such games as Medal of Honour and Halo possess the skills needed and are the very people the country need to be signing up as future spies.

Whilst there is no shooting aliens in the real-life secret services (at least not to our knowledge), successful gamers tend to be quick thinking, good at problem solving and working as a team to accomplish tasks and (of course) blow a load of stuff up.

But GCHQ aren’t just looking for emerging James Bonds. A spokesperson revealed that their “work is also about helping government departments, such as the Ministry of Defence, to protect their information and communication systems”. Presumably, this means they’re on the lookout for potential hackers, so we can assume people with chipped XBOXes fall nicely into this category and will be getting a call from MI5 in the coming weeks.

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Following their crushing 9-1 defeat to Tottenham, the heaviest in the Premier League since Manchester United annihilated Ipswich 9-0 in 1995, Wigan have submitted an appeal to the Football Association to have the match replayed.

The appeal centres on the fact that Latics’ Austrian midfielder Paul Scharner committed a blatant handball in the build-up to his team’s goal - an offence that was completely missed by all of the officials.

Hey, if it’s good enough for Thierry Henry, it’s good enough for Paul Scharner. Do you like my glasses? — Paul Scharner

In fact, match referee Peter Walton can be thankful the scoreline was so large otherwise his general performance may have come under review, most likely leading to a stint in Fergie’s basement-come-torture-chamber. As it is, everyone (including the FA) is busy taking the mick out of Little Wigan.

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The following advertisement was Found on Craigslist yesterday morning. Is it me, or is this Credit Crunch thing becoming rather annoying?

~ ~ ~ ~

Posted by: Cadbury PLC, 22nd November 2009

Price: 3,000,000 chocolate buttons

Detail: This is your opportunity to own one of the galaxy’s largest confectionery empires. Wispa it quietly, but Cadbury PLC have been forced to put their 25million square foot headquarters up for sale. Hobnob with the giants of world snack foods and give your ego a much-needed boost with your very own chocolate factory nestled in the heart of London’s lucrative Picnic Sector.

1,300 employees included, so you don’t have to lift a finger! No need to fudge the issue with messy hands-on manual labour or hiring needless ‘ee bah gum’ Yorkie staff.

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 In’t WordArt brilliant?

I’m generally not a massive fan of Sundays. They’re like a strawberry milkshake - brilliant, but you know its gonna be over soon and you’ll have to wait seven more days for another to come around. Still, it could be worse: there could be two Mondays to start and end the week.

Besides, statistics show nobody reads this blog on a Sunday so I can do pretty much what I like and nobody will notice. So if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to run through the town centre wearing nothing but a Santa Claus hat and beard combo.

First, though, I feel I must extend my gratitude to a selection of the Retro Yakking readership, namely those who’ve been kind enough to post links to the site all over the interwebs recently. Or at least, in a forum or two.

I’d better start with the Rivington Barn Bikers, or else they might run me over on their Harleys, BMXs, Kawasakis, or whatever they feel will best crush the spirits of a small-time internet weblogger. Not that they would all do this, but I’m not taking any chances, you know how it is.

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