Retro Yakking

It’s a given fact that pets hate Bonfire Night. Not only are they subjected to an often relentless string of loud noises, but they are also forced to eat the leftover parkin and treacle toffee, something no animal ought to endure.

Of course, there are steps one can take to keep pets safe and protected during events such as Bonfire Night. However, there are numerous misconceptions about what is best for each animal, which is why Retro Yakking has provided this handy cut out and keep (or at least bookmark) guide to the dos and don’ts for pet owners on Bommy Night.

Do: Take your dog for a walk before fireworks start to be let off so they are physically and mentally tired out, making them more likely to lie down and ignore the loud bangs and sparks going off outside.

Don’t: Allow your dog to set off fireworks. It can be a danger to children and even result in the dog getting an ASBO or curfew imposed upon them by the local police.

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I think we’re about due for another dose of opinion very thinly masquerading as fact, namely the latest entry in Retro Yakking’s tongue-in-cheek ‘…is stupid’ series.

To reiterate, these posts take a website, item or (in this case) celebration and pick it apart, whilst conveniently ignoring the many good points of said thing. Confused? Go to the Encyclopedia of Stupid for more of the same. Still don’t get the idea? No? Never mind.

So apparently 5th November is also called Guy Fawkes Night, at least according to Wikipedia, but I’ve always known it as Bonfire Night, or ‘Bommy Neet’. For those who haven’t heard of this ‘celebration’, it’s a massive excuse to stick fireworks up peoples’ bottoms and just generally blow stuff up. Brilliant, eh? Think of it as Thanksgiving without the turkey and in-laws.

But it isn’t all fun and games. Some, mainly firemen, might argue that it’s the worst night of the year, and I tend to share this view. Not because I’m an old cynic who would put Ebeneezer Scrooge to shame, rather I find it a tired old traditional piece of poopy that belongs in the seventeenth century.

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Formula One’s World Championship draws to a close today with the destination of the title already decided. Britain’s Jenson Button secured the 2009 crown two weeks ago at Brazil’s Interlagos circuit by gaining sufficient points to open up enough of a gap to his nearest rivals, meaning today’s race has no bearing on the destination of the title.

The last time a British person even came close to achieving such a feat was more than fifteen years ago. Mr. Barry Cello, an old age pensioner from Cheadle Hulme, won the British Grand Prix on a shopmobility scooter modified by his grandson. In a wet race, the vehicle’s extra weight and small wheel base allowed Mr. Cello to stay on track whilst all around him were crashing into barriers and tyre walls.

It was a comfortable victory in the end, as the only other competitor, Italian former world champion Luca Pizza, finished seventeen laps down due to a technical fault (Mr. Cello spent the morning smashing the engine with his walking stick).

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Following his conviction for actual bodily harm earlier this week, former Premier League footballer Marlon King has signed for prison team Wormwood Scrubs FC on an 18 month contract.

Though he will be taking a massive paycut from his previous post as a goalpost at Wigan Athletic, King is relatively content with the upgrade in accommodation quality:

It’s the best I could hope for considering the circumstances. I wanted a double bed, but in the end managed to negotiate three cakes of soap and a copy of Roy Keane’s autobiography as a signing on fee, which I suppose is better than a punch in the head. — Marlon King

By signing for Wormwood, King will follow in the footsteps of many illustrious names that turned out for the side at some point in their career, including Newcastle’s Joey Barton and Notts County forward Lee Hughes.

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YouTube have labelled their latest big media stunt, a live concert webcast, as a ‘big win for the community’. Reports suggest upwards of ten million viewers logged on to watch Irish rockers U2 perform at the Rose Bowl, Pasadena at 3AM on Sunday morning.

Further reports suggest anybody who got up early to watch the show is clinically insane, seeing as it is currently being rebroadcast for viewing at any time — and in higher quality to boot — via the video sharing website. Over 1 million people have already done so within less than a week of the original broadcast, which is being hailed as a record for an internet streaming event.

The concert could possibly pave the way for other artists to embark upon similar webcasts, but is unlikely to tempt rockney duo Chas and Dave out of retirement. Had one of them known how to work a computer, things would be different.

As it is, Chas can’t even stop his desktop clock from displaying Pacific Standard time, which is of no use to somebody living thousands of miles away from human civilisation in the UK. Dave has had a bit more success, but struggles with the concept of an inanimate mouse - he still thinks they are powered by cheese.

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